To get the full flavour, you gotta go at least skim Introduction, Installment One, Two, Three, Four, Five and Six. Really. Take my word for it.
So I'm making dinner and I'm not holding out much hope that I'll be called back even though Big Communications Corporation (BCC) Phone Guy has promised he would, because I've SO been there, when the phone rings.
It's hubby. I explain disappointment is nothing personal. Tap dance a little. Hang up.
I continue being amateur chef beating up on onions, garlic, red pepper, and sausage. Phone rings again.
It's Phone Guy! He says everything's all set but the only thing is, can Installation Setup Guy come on Friday? That's like in two days. I'm having company then: my sister and niece and nephew whom I haven't seen in awhile. I weigh options.
Too bad, the family will have to deal. (Actually, they'll probably be really happy Installation Setup Guy will be here while they're here if it means they'll never ever have to listen to my carping and whining about being on dialup ever again.)
So I agree to Friday for Installation Setup Guy, profusely thank BCC Phone Guy and hang up. I am happy but not ecstatic. Been too long, come too far. Something or other about counting chickens and hatching eggs.
So Installation Setup Guy Arrival day arrives. He himself arrives. Thoughtfully leaves his boots at the door. I show him computer and nearby phone jack. I leave him to work some magic. I join the family wreaking havoc upstairs when he pops his head in and asks if he can use the phone.
Gulp. Okay. Pass him the cordless.
I hear him talking, fiddling, doing some stuff. He calls me to the computer. Apologizes but says he was having some trouble getting the System Setup to recognize me.
Hah! Why am I not surprised? I say apologetically, "Uh, well, apparently we had to be added manually to The System, or something."
He nods sagely. He goes through the setup screens with me. Says we should be getting faster than what it's currently giving us but that he has to get a switch flicked at another location which he is not authorized to do himself (!?). He shows me lovely white router which he has unwrapped fresh from the box. Explains all about it. Patiently tells me about the filter doohickeys that now have to go on all phones all over the house. Says he has to go hook up Some Other Guy nearby now and leaves me his cell number in case of a problem.
So Installation Setup Guy puts his boots back on and leaves. Family and I play with the internet just a little to prove it works. I am giddy at the speed of things. Here! At Home! But it's the summer and the sun is calling so we leave for awhile. When we come back, the router is not working. No lovely green lights on it anymore. Red ones. Damn!!!
But I resist my urge to freak completely. I phone Installation Setup Guy's cell. He answers: "It's not working anymore, is it?"
"Right," I reply in a voice that I hope doesn't sound as squeaky to him as it does to me.
"No problem," he says. He tells me Big Communications Corporation has to change something at the main "office" box in Smalltown, and the guy who is authorized to do that can't do it until tomorrow. It should be all set by about noon.
Um, tomorrow is Saturday. I am skeptical but keep it to myself. I thank him politely and hang up. Saturday we are out at one of the many festivals this tourist region has to offer. We return home. I glance at lovely white router. It's got green lights on it!!!!!
So we play with the internet. We call up YouTube just because we CAN. We sample snippets of the top 10 iTunes tunes. We search for stuff on Google. We look at satellite images. We LOVE IT!!! I am not so sure what our data plan is, but I am not thinking about that right now. Right now, who cares?!
Then, a day or so later, the up-until-now mythical Return Kit arrives for portable plastic piece o' poo modem. Yay! I send it packing. Hah!
And then I get another package in the mail. BCC has sent me a lovely new white router in a shrink-wrapped box.
It is identical to lovely white router Installation Setup Guy already installationed. I look at new white router-in-box. I look at lovely white already-working router. I quietly place new white router-in-box on top of computer desk. I have determined my best course of action here: New white router-in-a-box collects dust. It makes a nice paperweight, really.
And there it remains to this day,
because I remain
at long, long, long last
a techno peasant